previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
The demon gates are opening.
He knows I'm here.
Who knows you're here?
Orcus.
No, no, you guys, Orcus. He's like the prince of the undead.
Demon Lord lives in the abyss where all the demons live.
Didn't you ever hear scary stories about him when you were a kid?
It sounds abysmal.
What's cooking good looking?
The figure straightens up and takes a step back and turns around.
And you are staring into a mirror.
Well, I wasn't wrong with the good looking part.
When you are hit from behind.
Chef Sully's in the house.
I like this Chef Sully idea.
Yeah, I want to see where Chef Sully takes us.
I'm finding all kinds of stuff.
Well, I mean, I recognize pretty much everything else in here,
but this one, I don't, I don't know what this one is.
You don't know if you're going to be allergic to it until you put it in your mouth.
Yeah, that's not usually how I like to find that out.
Really, I think you should just try it.
What's Glim doing?
Just eating, observing this conversation.
If Demon Gates are opening, that could spell disaster for everyone.
Disaster's a middle name.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
We're a D&D fifth edition actual play podcast,
and I'm your Dungeon Master Russ More.
And with me today is Karla Maxted.
That is me.
I play Glim, a dragonborn pAlydin.
And Amy More.
I'm, I'm Sullivan Slate.
I've just embodied this character now.
A lightfoot halfling rogue.
And Tom Laird.
Yup.
I play Moot, a four-quile magic sorcerer.
What's going on with everybody?
I don't know, Russ.
It's midway through November.
It's very busy.
It's almost Thanksgiving in America.
So I guess enjoy your Thanksgiving festivities leading up to,
we'll have another episode before then.
I don't know what we're talking about.
Why are we trying to do an intro?
We never do this.
Yeah, this is very confusing.
You know, we usually talk about something,
and where we talk about things
that we actually know what's going on
is over on Patreon.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragoncast.
Well, we sometimes know what's going on.
Most of the time we know what's going on.
At least one of us knows what's going on.
Some of the time.
That's 25% of the time.
That's right.
That's how math works.
And when you are a patron,
you get an episode dedicated to you.
Like today's patron, Coo underscore 101.
Mysterious Coo, I like it.
I like the username.
Thank you, Coo underscore 101.
You're the best.
Well, we are a 100 level course.
So that makes sense.
Hold on.
Coo COO?
Yeah.
Then maybe when you say it,
it's just supposed to be like.
Or what if they're the cheap operating officer of something?
Oh, probably.
Or it's like Tom said,
the first level course to becoming a COO.
That's the kind of high profile,
very intelligent people that listen to this podcast.
That's right.
Hell yeah.
And if you're here, you already knew that.
That's true.
So thank you, Coo.
Anyways, thank you, Coo.
Thanks, Coo.
Fuck it.
Let's play D&D.
Previously, you had some omelets.
You talked about some Demon Gates.
And now it's a little bit later in the day.
Glim, you're.
Feeling great.
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Just making sure I'm feeling great.
Feel totally fine.
Eggs are a really good source of protein and energy.
Well, if you're going to save the world,
you got to be feeling great.
I had that baguette.
I mean, I'm ready.
I guess, I mean, we didn't mention it.
So I guess maybe I missed my Zumba class this morning.
I guess I didn't show up to teach it
because we kind of slept in
because we were doing our rotated sleeps.
And then we had that big breakfast.
And then I was talking to the priestess.
So there's a few people who kind of found you
a little bit later in the day.
And they're like, did we miss a memo?
Was there supposed to be a class this morning?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I try and do it almost all the time.
I just had a late night and some weird stuff.
And then, you know, my friend made me breakfast
and I'm sorry, I'll be back.
And, you know, I can talk more about Bahamut tomorrow morning.
Maybe come find me tomorrow morning.
Oh, OK.
I'm kind of busy tomorrow morning.
Well, whatever morning.
I'll be there unless I'm off on an adventure.
Oh, you go on adventures?
Sometimes.
Once we went to this haunted windmill.
Oh, that sounds spooky.
It was spooky.
Gather around, townsfolk.
And let me tell you about the time
we went to the haunted windmill.
Et cetera, et cetera.
A plane drive goes overhead
as I finish telling them about our adventure.
Or sorry.
No, that's anachronistic.
A loud wagon rolls by the wheels
as I tell them the rest of this story
because we already all know about it.
That's right.
Sully, Moot, and Hillop, where are you?
As Glim was ambushed by her Zumba fans.
What time is it?
I pictured it kind of later in the day.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe go, you know, walk around the docks.
Are you looking for the sewer ducks?
I want to walk around the docks.
I don't just want to wander among ducks.
But they were in the dock lands or the dock...
They were in the dock ward.
The dock ward.
So we are out here just trying to find
adventure and clues for the...
Do you think the demon gates are down by the docks?
No, man.
I just kind of figured that we do so much
of our adventuring at night like daytime.
This is my time.
Maybe I just want to go for a nice walk.
I mean, that sounds good.
So who invited you?
I don't even know.
Oh, was I not supposed to be invited?
Well, no, I guess you could come along.
Better just saying.
Okay.
I mean, Moot invited me.
He said, hey, we're going for a walk.
And I said, cool, bro.
I got a chance to get some more sweet baked goods.
And we thought maybe we'd swing by
the stars and the moon or the moon and stars.
The moon and stars bakery.
Sun and stars bakery.
Got it.
Nailed it.
Actually, what Moot said was
you were welcome to accompany Sully on a walk
while he went to the library to look up orcas.
I volunteered Sully to...
Where did Moot go?
He ducked out a little while ago.
I can't believe he left me alone with you.
Where does Moot go?
Moot goes to the library.
Moot's very Estudious.
Estudious?
That's not the word I have heard.
It's Studious.
Can you say Stu?
Well, I can, but he's not in a studio.
That just doesn't even make any sense.
All right.
Well, I mean, do we want to go find him?
See what he's up to?
Maybe he's got some sweet hints.
Yeah, we can find some picture books for you.
Oh, I like the picture books.
We cut to the library.
Moot, you make it to the library,
which probably has a name.
I would assume as much.
Waterdeep's Library.
Ooh, solid.
Library of Waterdeep.
Waterdeep?
Waterdavian Library?
Waterdavian Library.
That's the one we'll go with.
That's what you are from when you're from Waterdeep,
is you're a Waterdavian.
Now you know.
You pull up and what are you doing?
You pull up?
They see me rolling.
Big Cadillac, spinning rims.
And like, what's this when it jumps up and down?
The hydraulics?
It's fucking rad.
I can't believe we've been walking.
Bucket seats.
Why has Moot shared this bitchin' ride with us before?
Sorry, guys, this is a Moot-only vehicle.
It's a one-seater.
Only to library trips.
It's the library shuttle.
David picked him up.
It's the Waterdeep Library shuttle.
It's the bookmobile.
I feel like there's something weird going on
with the accounting at the library
that's publicly funded, but I mean.
Neither here nor there.
However you get kids into the library,
you know what I mean?
Right, it's all about hooking them early.
Yeah, if you have to kidnap them
and throw them in the trunk of your awesome car.
I mean, whatever works.
It's a real Nosferatu vibe we got going on here.
I'm an educator.
I head up to the front desk
and gently tap the librarian
that's working away on something on the shoulder.
Say, oh, hi, I didn't want to disturb you,
but I needed a little help.
The individual stands up and turns around
and they're a warforged.
They have a different mix of humanoid
and metal metallic arms.
And they turn around and look down at you
because they're quite tall.
I'll probably push in six and a half feet
and looks down at you and says, yes.
Yeah, I was wondering if you had any books on orcas,
maybe any like histories
or like a dummies guide to sort of thing.
We do have information on all of the Demon Lords.
Oh, there's more than the one.
Yeah, yes, yes, sir.
There are.
Oh, boy, I'm going to have a lot of reading to do, aren't I?
Well, if you are reading about all of them, yes.
Yes, you will have plenty of reading to do,
but you would like to start with orcas, yes?
Yeah, I mean, I thought he was the only one.
So yeah, let's start there and I'll branch out if need be.
He's not even the worst one, but.
Oh, good.
But yes, he leads you to a back section of the library
and to a section titled The Abyss.
What languages do you speak and are you able to read?
I am able to read and speak Common, Dwarvish, Orc,
and I can read Gnomish, but I'm not very good at speaking it.
Most of our texts are written in Infernal.
Various devils have put together different stories and books
on the Abyss and the Nine Hells.
We do have some translated into Common,
and I could direct you to those right here.
He picks one book up and hands it to you.
He says this should have some information on Demon Lord Orcus.
Perfect.
Thank you so much.
If you can think of any other books, you just please let me know.
I will spend my entire day thinking about it.
Oh, wow, that's more than I could ever have hoped for.
Thank you so much.
It is a slow day here.
So I shall look for more books that you can read with the languages that you have.
Picture books, maybe.
Yeah, I mean, I'm always up for anything animated if need be,
but thank you so much for looking into this for me.
Of course, and your name was when I find them so that I can direct you personally.
Oh, Moot.
My name is Moot.
Pleasure to meet you, Moot.
What's your name?
My name is Book.
Your name is Book?
Yes.
That's really easy to remember.
It was a calling that I had, and thus I am here.
All right, Book.
I look forward to reading this book and talking more to that book.
Perfect.
Can I have arrived at the library now that I've finished?
I got distracted by some chatting with the Zumba folks,
but I knew my friend was going there.
Absolutely.
Glim pulls up.
Also in a fly ride?
Moot's just the one.
It's just that, you know, it's the shuttle.
Glim arrives in a casual fashion, and yeah, you're at the library.
Moot, you've been there for a little while.
And do I see Moot or do I just see the library?
You walk in and you don't see Moot directly.
It's a large, large library.
You walk in and there is a tall warforge standing at the desk.
Hello.
Hello, friend.
Good day.
I'm looking for my friend Moot, and I'm wondering if you have seen him.
Yes, the one looking into the Demon Lords,
but can't speak the languages that most of the books are written in.
Oh, that is troublesome.
Yeah, we want to learn more about Orcus.
Um, I mean, I have Common, of course, and then Draconic and Halfling.
Anything, anything there?
I shall spend the rest of my day looking for books
that will fit those languages in the subjects that you so desire.
Oh, well, that's very generous of you.
Can you point me in the direction of Moot?
He waves his hand off to his left and back and he's like back through there.
Follow the torches and he should be unless he has relocated.
He should be back there.
Thank you so much.
So I'm going to go find Moot and see what he's learned.
Yeah, Moot is sitting there reading books.
He's got his crab claw mage hand summoned
and is holding the book out in front of him.
So he doesn't need to like keep reaching up to turn pages that crab claw to do it for him.
Moot, how how's it going?
Is there any good research?
Like, is there a like how to DIY kill Demon Lord or?
I haven't come up with anything like that yet.
There's been some kind of like history type stuff, you know,
some real beginner stuff about where demons come from and things.
But yeah, I haven't even really got to the orcas specific stuff yet.
It's too bad we don't speak the demon language because that'd probably be pretty helpful.
Yeah, it seems like there'd probably be a little more information to
dig into with that one.
Well, I mean, I'm happy to start reading through any
you've got that I you haven't you haven't started yet.
Sure, I will.
I'll hand you this one.
So, Tom, I just sent you some information that you can find in your next reading here.
I see that.
All right, so I hand over the book I haven't started on
and I give that over to Glam and I get the crab claw to turn my next page.
And oh, there's some there's some stuff here.
Apparently, let's see here orcas, the demon prince of undeath.
He's known also as the blood lord.
Oh, let me just write down blood lord for cross reference.
All right, let's see here.
He takes some pleasure in the sufferings of the living,
but far prefers the company and service of the undead.
His desire is to see all life quenched and the multiverse
transformed into a vast necropolis populated solely by undead creatures under his.
OK, so so far like that's kind of what the priestess said.
I mean, kind of said.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's see here.
Orcas rewards those who spread death in his name
by granting them a small portion of his power.
Oh, geez.
All right, ghouls and zombies.
His neck.
We likes necromancers.
Tell you that much.
Oh, OK.
Here's what he looks like.
That's he's bestial.
He's got a diseased kind of decaying look.
Lower torso of a goat, as most good demons do, I think.
Then a humanoid upper body, corpulent belly swollen with raw, great bat wings.
Oh, and his head is like the skull of a goat.
Oh, wow.
All right.
Oh, and apparently he's got a wand of orcas that he wields in one of his hands.
So lots of stuff there.
As you finish reading that out, you hear from the front.
Oh, hello.
Yes, your name is Book.
That is a very fitting name, good friend.
Where is our friend?
Have you seen them?
Over there?
I send the crab claw like 10 feet up in the air and wave it towards them.
I see.
He put out his claw signal.
It's the moot signal.
Here we come to see our friends, not feel.
See our friends.
That was a slip.
So you deserve to be left alone with Hillop for a while.
What?
Did you guys have a good walk?
We've been doing some research.
How's it coming?
Well, good.
Moot learned a bunch of stuff.
I just found some stuff in this book and he likes to work his real bad dude, crazy,
scary-looking, blood lord, undead, lots of stuff the priestess said,
likes cultists and necromancers who murder the living and then manipulate the dead.
So I guess the ultimate conclusion is he's definitely a bad guy.
Definitely, definitely real, real, real bad.
Now it's just like, listen, I know we were given this information and stuff about like orcas,
although it really, we were, all the ghost boy whispered was orcas.
Yeah, but he wasn't like super thrilled about, like he wasn't like orcas.
Well, that's good.
Cause otherwise, I mean, would we even be able to trust whatever he said anyway?
No, it's true.
Should we trust it now?
I don't know.
You make a good point.
I mean, how reliable are small boys with three eyes in graveyards?
I don't know.
I just think that this is something for like the decimators of dragons, you know?
Yeah.
This might be a little outside of a wheelhouse.
Here's the thing.
You know how I maybe have mentioned before once or twice that I have this destiny.
No, I don't.
I don't recall.
Okay.
So I have this destiny and I'm going to help save the world.
Yes.
Okay.
Yeah.
No, because now it's, it's all of our destiny.
Right.
Remember we talked about this.
Remember we were real, we sort of talked about it.
Oh, well, we, okay.
So maybe we should, maybe it's a different, different sort of destiny than that,
than that food thing we were talking about.
Hillip.
So you guys have a food destiny?
What?
Yeah.
You were there.
We were at the four food, or you were making the tea.
You were making the tea.
We were talking about being the four food of tears.
And so yeah, I have this destiny and part of, part of my destiny is that
I'm going to find people who are going to help me.
And it's, it's you guys.
Well, I mean, of course we can help.
I'm just saying maybe this, like looking up stuff about Orcus
might not be the route to go considering that maybe we shouldn't be the ones to fight him.
Oh, it's not, it's not time for us to fight almost anybody.
Don't you think?
I think, so let me, it's sort of a long story, but I'll try and be quick.
Okay.
So I'm born and I have this great destiny and people are worried.
And then they take me to this village and I get raised by these two wonderful
women who I think are my two moms, but then they're actually just my adopted moms.
And I'm telling you too much, but part of my destiny is that
I was going to find two people that are going to help me save the world.
So, so one's a halfling on the run and, and, and that seemed obviously like it must be
Sully because remember we met and you were acting real weird and you were like a linen
and you had stolen a thing.
And like, so he seemed kind of on the run and then half Orc struggling to find his
light seemed very mysterious, but you know, like you were trying to,
you're trying to figure out your magic.
And so, so here's the thing.
There are a lot of steps I have to take before I can reach my destiny.
And one of them is that I need to go to the land of the dragonborn and
declare my faith and this whole thing.
So for me, my next step to saving the world is not to take on Orcus, the demon lord,
but instead to just keep moving on my own personal destiny until I can get a bit stronger.
So I'd really like it.
You guys came with me.
Well, I did that.
They didn't say anything about a caravan expert who maybe has an affinity for the
the breaded materials.
There was nothing specific in the, in the kind of
I say probably just assumed they just assumed it was
I mean, all adventures have a caravan leader who loves baked goods.
Don't worry about me.
You guys were having a moment.
It's okay.
Sorry.
I'll drift back into the crowd here.
Well, uh, well, you, you make a good, um, well, I mean, I'm not doing anything else.
I meant to tell you sooner and then it seemed like it'd been too long or
maybe I should have waited longer.
Maybe we should have.
Like you said, it just kind of slipped out last night.
And then maybe I should have waited until we'd been friends for years and then
told you, but well, I guess you had seen your bets this way never, never seemed like the
right time, but I think I have to start heading in that direction.
Maybe unless we have more we need to do here, but no, let's, uh,
I mean, we don't need to leave right now, but you know, just generally.
Well, I feel like it's pretty compelling evidence.
I mean, how often do you run into a halfling on the run and a half orc who, uh,
you know, was working on finding himself?
Can't be every day.
I mean, I first time for me.
So what do you think?
Sully, should we, should we tag along and help her save the world?
Oh, well, yeah.
Well, like he said, I don't have anything else going on right now.
So I guess I could tag along.
Make sure you knuckleheads don't get into too much trouble.
Thanks guys.
And if you want to, like, there's anything you haven't been telling me
that you want to tell me, like, maybe this is, maybe this is a good time for us all
to grow closer as friends by being honest with one another.
Oh, I have something.
Okay.
Hila.
What is it?
Well, when, uh, when Sully and I were on our way back here,
we saw there were some people who were just questioning about the Zuma classes.
And I told them that you would probably be holding one tonight.
Oh, they were so excited when you said that.
Yeah, it was very exciting.
I don't remember you ever talking to Glim about her doing that.
Well, she said it in passing, I think one time, but I know I figured that,
you know, if I helped like run it, you know, cause I got the moves.
Do you want to run the class tonight, Hila?
Well, I don't know all the moves.
Why don't you come?
How about this?
Okay.
How about this?
Sounds like we might be leaving Waterdeep in the next little bit.
Yeah.
The Zuma's got a lot of great people coming.
And of course it's the best tool for letting people know about Bahamut.
So maybe you could come and start, and I can make sure you know all the moves
and then you can keep spreading the good word when I have to go.
So part of my destiny would be to stay here and continue my legacy of Zumba.
I don't have all the pattern down that you have
with my cool kid named Bahamut, you got your head swaggered like that.
This sounds like it's going to be a really good Bollywood spin-off.
So if you could just hold onto that.
I like it.
I mean, you bring your own flavor to it.
That special hill of magic.
That hill of magic.
Maybe after the Zumba class, we all go for baguettes.
I mean, I don't know if you should go back to the bakery after what happened this morning.
Oh, that was an interruption with Mrs. Rubenstein, not the baker.
Oh, that was outside?
That was after?
Yeah, I chased her down.
Well, it was so kind of you to have done that.
I mean, not kind of her, but you're looking out for us.
So yes, that's what I told her.
She did not believe me that I had friends.
And, but I told her my friends, they need these baguettes, lady.
But then it turns out they didn't.
Well, it's really strange that she just wasn't immediately very compassionate about your
baguette emergency.
Exactly my point.
Either story ways, we have to go run a Zumba class.
You and me, Glim, so I can learn the pattern.
Glim, please, for the love of God, take him to Zumba.
Okay. Okay.
When did you say it was going to start soon?
Are they expecting us soon?
Yeah. Yeah.
Like any moment now.
They're probably amassing outside of the temple, which sounds very daunting,
but they're probably just, they're probably getting up, getting their warmup on.
Probably stretching.
Stretching, doing their...
Well, yeah, you got to warm up a little before the Zumba class starts.
Is there a high kick?
Moot, can I talk to you for a second?
Let's go do that.
Maybe you guys stay here and keep doing research.
Hey, Sully, any chance you speak Infernal?
Like...
Like the demon language.
Oh, yeah, no, I thought he just meant like, can I have a conversation when I'm
feeling really warm?
It's more devil language.
Don't get some mixed up when you're down there.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, no, I do not.
I speak common and I speak halfling.
Sorry, we got books here in common.
You can help me out.
Yeah.
Okay, well, I guess we've got a Zumba class to run, so let's go, Hillip.
To the Zumba-mobile!
I mean, we just walked to Zumba.
He makes that noise as you leave.
Bye, Book!
Hey, Moot.
Yeah, what's up, Sully?
I'm really sorry about this morning.
Well, it's okay.
Well, no, I was like super pushy and stuff and I was being really weird about my omelet.
I just had like a very strange night, you know.
I thought I heard stuff and I didn't get a good sleep and then Hillip was naked for
such a long portion of the evening.
It's enough to throw anyone off their game.
Well, you know how, like Glim was saying, we can share secrets and stuff?
Sure.
Well, can I share one with you?
I don't want to tell Glim because I don't think that she would approve.
Oh, okay.
You can tell me.
Sully looks around and he's like, it's more of like a show you thing,
but you gotta not be mad, okay?
I mean, I'll do my best, but yeah, I guess show me whatever you need to show me.
Okay, don't be mad.
It's not like a thing that I have.
It's more of like something that I might have done.
Okay, so you're going to show me something you've done.
Well, come on, I'll take you there, but just don't think any less of me, okay?
Because I know that you hold me in really high regard
and I just don't want this to, like, Sully, wait,
and then he thinks on that for a good moment and says,
can you just come with me?
I just, fuck.
Yeah, I'm right behind you.
And Sully leads him back into the graveyard,
close to where they were the first time when the ghost boy was there
and the ground was all fucked up and stuff.
And there's just a little ways beyond that is this kind of like run down,
not well cared for, like mausoleum kind of thing.
And I stop at the door and I'm like,
before you go in there, I just want you to remember
how much of an entrepreneurial spirit I have
and that I am a self starter and that everyone makes mistakes.
Well, I mean, you've had you've had so many jobs,
you have to be a self starter, you know, a crush ologist or crush ologist.
I'm still not clear on which one was which.
Fudatier, herbalist, Lenin, Lenin, what did Glenn say?
Leninary, yeah.
There's, I mean, there's a bunch of jobs that you had,
so I'll keep an open mind as best I can.
All right. Okay. Yeah, well, yeah, okay.
And Sully opens the door and walks through
and like kind of like holds it open and like gestures at the end of the mausoleum.
Don't be mad.
You keep saying that.
What could be so bad?
I just don't think it was maybe my smartest idea,
but I think that like, I don't know, like, you know,
the first guy who decided to jump on a horse was probably like,
his buddies are like, you're fucking insane, right?
But I mean, he took that idea and he ran with it.
I lead Moot down to the back of the mausoleum
where he can see in the dank dark corners that I have a little mushroom grow up.
So this is what you put in my omelet?
Well, yeah, it's a secret ingredient, you know,
and I just wanted to try to like, you know, see the medicinal properties and maybe
because like I ate some and I was totally fine.
Well, you were fine.
But then then Ken showed up several days later.
Yeah, if you do put two and two together,
I guess you gotta and Sullivan and Sullivan slight decides to punch Moot hard in the face.
I guess roll for initiative.
All right.
Oh, that's a nat 20.
Well, yeah, I don't have that.
How this is going to play out is you're going to trigger initiative with your punch in the face.
So you do get your punch in the face.
I do punch in the face.
But then Moot gets the very next go because that starts.
Yes.
Okay.
My unarmed strike is one plus my strength modifier.
Okay.
Well, that's that's a nothing.
My strength modifier.
Oh, wait, that's for a saving throw.
No, it's negative one.
So knowing that it does no damage, how does this look and how does this feel for Moot?
I mean, it's more surprising than anything.
I kind of punch me in like the forehead, I guess.
But he's so small.
Well, it's a good jump.
Well, I mean, I shrunk six inches by the time he reaches up there.
Yeah, I guess Moot's just surprised more than anything.
Sully, why are you punching me?
Well, I was hoping I hit you hard enough to knock you out is what I was going to do
because I really don't like getting my hands dirty.
But I guess if I have to and Sully pulls out both of his daggers.
It's the middle of the episode.
Oh, taking a turn.
We're here to say that Patriot.
No, I blew it.
No, no.
Well, you should have.
I like the energy Amy was bringing.
I have no business rapping.
My name is Russ and I'm the DM and I don't know how to rap
so we're going to talk about Patreon.
Bad rap, bad rap, bad rap, bad rap.
Okay, well it.
No, yeah.
You blew our minds then we couldn't talk.
You're supposed to go to the next person.
Oh, I'm Amy and I'm here to say Patreon listening is the only way.
No, you rhymed.
Yeah.
It's bad rap, you're not supposed to rhyme.
My name is Carla and I'm here to say there's a FlammieKind episode coming your way.
It's hard not to rhyme.
Because now we're good rap, good rap.
My name is Russ and I'm here to say FlammieKinds is a pirate.
Yeah, this is un-listenable.
Let's just get into the real content.
Apologies.
This is horrendous.
It's good clean fun.
Where we have more of that is over on Patreon.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast where right now we have FlammieKinds backstory episode.
If you are a long time listener of our podcast, you know the good dear FlammieKinds
and how she talked about how she used to be a pirate and how she used to go on ships
and she used to do all that sort of stuff.
Well, we dive into that.
We do it and it's over on Patreon.
We grow because everything we thought she was making up turns out she wasn't.
Oh, fuck yeah, but it was a real good time.
It's a real hoot.
We have a special guest DM and we get into the history.
We do.
It's special guest GM because we play an entirely different game.
We play Dungeon World with Sean Howard of The End of Time and Other Bothers.
Beautiful person, beautiful show, and he runs a wonderful game for us.
That's good.
But that's over on Patreon at our $5 a month tier.
And while you're over there, we also have a whole bunch of other really great stuff
like a monthly entirely different show.
Our Adventures of podcast, I guess you could say.
Tom DMs that one.
Tom DMs that.
I play Opalite Brightcliffs, the best character on that whole thing.
Debatable.
I apologize.
He's really something.
He's something else.
That's for darn sure.
Saving the day.
You know what?
Thanks to Opalite Brightcliffs, if Tom doesn't have anything planned,
it doesn't matter.
Yeah, I mean, if you haven't listened to any of the bonus content on Patreon,
you will be delighted to learn what a rascal our DM Russ is when he does not have to DM.
It's pretty great.
I love to play the game.
And because I'm a DM, I know kind of the boundaries of which I can play the game
and I push them a little bit with Tom, especially.
Well, he's so kind.
Tom's not here because he's in Mexico, FYI.
Yeah, in case you were wondering why there was just the three voices.
That's why.
Also over on Patreon at our five dollar month here,
you can listen to as of Monday coming up,
the entire first season of our new show, Facing Fate,
which debuts to the public in January.
But then it's slow releases.
But there over on Patreon, you can get the whole thing right there.
So all this other content, they're available for the listening.
And then we get started creating season two,
which will be released early to patrons as well.
And the seasons are different.
Yes, the seasons are different.
Spring is winter.
Winter is summer.
It's a topsy turvy world.
Amy's on nighttime cold meds here.
I sure am.
What I mean is we play a different game for our first season
and then our second season will be something different.
We're switching it up a lot.
We're switching it up on you, trying new things.
Not D&D even.
It's not even fantasy.
It's a whole new thing.
It's very exciting.
So if you want more of what we do,
just come join us over on Patreon.
Patreon.com slash Dumb Dragon Cast,
where we have just a whole ton of more great content
that you know and love
and some things that you have no idea what's even up there
because it's Patreon.
Back to the episode now.
That's how we always end the interlude.
What I think, right?
Welcome to Facing Fate,
an anthological audio fiction actual play podcast.
What does that mean outside of being amazing alliteration?
Well, it means when you subscribe to Facing Fate,
you will find two 10-episode seasons every year
starting January 2020 in the Facing Fate feed.
Each season will take you through a different setting,
different genre, and different characters
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Back at the Zumba.
How's that going?
Oh, so well.
I mean, Glim's a pro.
I don't know.
How's Hillop doing?
Um, let's roll for it and see.
Okay.
Oh.
That's going to be a five.
Uh, so I guess I was picturing like,
so I'm at the front and he's at the front with me.
Yeah, kind of like a step behind.
Yeah.
And just like to the side, but I would say like,
great news, everybody.
I've got a special guest leader today.
Some of you met him already.
It's Hillop.
You see him like just kind of psych himself up.
He's just like, okay.
And then when you say his name, he's like,
yeah, baby.
And then I start clapping and everybody claps.
It's just a smattering of applause.
Hillop's, Hillop's going to be learning
how to lead the Zumba classes.
So I want everyone to be really supportive
and let's get going.
I'm going to pump all you funky kids up.
We're going to have a good time
with our good friend.
Bahamut.
I don't need, don't help me.
I need to do this on my own, remembers?
And then in that moment,
he gets kind of this look in his eye.
Look, I know this is my first class
and it looks bad on me to bow out so soon,
but there is an emergency
and I must attend to it.
Oh, okay.
Is everything okay?
Uh, yes, everything's fine.
Look at all these smiling faces here.
Ready to, ready to take on the good man Bahamut.
And I'm still just doing like step ball changes.
I'm still just doing like step ball chains
back and forth.
Everybody's following you.
Just waiting.
Step touch, get ready.
Some are looking a little confused at this point.
Like, when is it, when is it going to start?
But I will be back pronto
to help you ring in the, ring in the moves.
Okay.
I hope everything's okay.
Yeah, I take care.
Don't good, I take care of it.
I mean, he bolts off down the street.
Oh boy.
Okay.
I mean, he's real weird.
I don't even know that I think it's that weird.
He's always just real weird dude.
He's a real weird dude.
All right, back in.
So you've drawn your daggers.
Mut, it's still your turn
because you didn't really do anything.
Yeah, I'm going to roll a persuasion roll
and I'm going to try and talk Sully down.
Okay.
That is a 20, but wasn't critical.
Okay.
What is your persuading?
What are you trying to persuade?
Sully, put the daggers away.
We're friends.
What's, what's we can, we can talk this through.
So that's, that's what Moot's done.
Kind of put his hands up.
Trying to, trying to garner your trust again.
Yeah, I don't know what I did to break said.
We think about it for a second.
No, I'm going to slice at them.
Both daggers.
13.
Oh yeah, baby.
And the other one is a 15.
So that's 2d4 plus five, three.
That's seven plus five is 12.
Cool.
That's 12.
How many hit points you got?
Flashing damage.
Nine, nine.
Cool, cool, cool.
This is not cool.
Glim, roll me a religion check.
So sorry.
We both knew it would come to the same.
Different.
And that's a 19.
Cool.
So you, you.
Yep, Bahamut is a real cool guy.
Hillop's just run off down the street.
You've begun the course, the thing, and you get this almost omniscient feeling
and a pull that something bad is happening.
And it's in the direction of where Hillop ran off to,
which you know is more or less direction of the cemetery.
Hillop runs back in.
He's like, oh, I thought we were going to try and make him in the team.
Yeah.
He wasn't being a team player.
No.
Well, now we're going to have to put him in the closet here with all the other
that we have.
Let's get a little cramped in there, but I, but I guess we can.
Well, he's bleeding out all over the floor.
It's going to make it very hard for recruitment
next time when we have this big blood stain in the middle of the floor.
Well, then I guess you're just going to have to clean it.
Look, Ken, it's time to move everything off to the side.
Just grab his legs.
And no, I'm going to open the door.
You drag him in.
Gosh, I'm cleaning up your mess here.
I open the door and inside you see Sully and Hillop bound and gagged and unconscious.
All right, we toss him in here.
And as you close the door, Glim, you make it to the cemetery.
Tom, make a moot rather, make a death saving throw.
Right.
It's just straight D20, right?
Straight D20, 10 or higher.
You're successful 10 or 15.
Oh, yeah.
All right.
You're successful on one.
You can mark those on your sheet.
Amy's cheering for you.
Ken hopes you die.
So I guess I leave class like you're all doing a great job.
I'll be right back.
Run.
And then do is the mausoleum door open?
Yeah, you make it to the cemetery and you're kind of walking through following along where
Hillop's footprints had led you because he was he was running with with fever making
not really trying to cover his tracks and he leads you to the mausoleum and the door is
cracked ajar.
Okay, so I'll walk up to the door.
Hillop?
Hillop, what's going on?
Why did you run away?
I thought you wanted to take over classes and I have just this terrible feeling.
Oh, yeah.
No, it probably was some gas.
Gas is a terrible feeling.
Just a second.
I'll be right out.
Just hurry up.
Okay.
Idiot.
Kim, if you let her here.
I didn't mean to.
I told her I gave her the best story and he comes out and opens the door says,
Hey, there, cool, cool cat.
What's she got going on?
And he's kind of blocking the doorway.
What's going on?
You're acting so strange.
And you know what?
You're acting strange today, too.
About you.
I don't act strange.
I act like Hillop acts.
You're right.
You are 100% perfectly.
He acts like this all the time.
What?
He I act like this all the time.
What do you mean?
He acts like this.
I mean, what I'm saying is I act like this sometimes when I am feeling
are costing doing in there, I was dashing shovels.
So in the middle of class, you remembered that there was a shovel out here.
I didn't want one of those moments where you step on it and it flings up and hit
somebody in the face.
So I knew that that could happen because somebody was probably trying to come
find and look for see there.
Why was your shovel here?
It's not my shovel.
I took a part time job as a shovel here.
Okay.
What's going on, Hillop?
I mean, you can roll in.
You get that there's something going on.
It's nothing going on.
Okay.
I'm going to try and like push past him to get inside strength
because he's going to try and block you.
15.
Nope.
You get by.
Oh, okay.
Sorry.
Yeah.
You meant?
No, that was me.
That was a big note for Hillop.
Okay.
What's going on in here?
Nothing.
What are you doing in here?
I must see him, right?
We're in a mausoleum.
Yeah.
There's not really many places to hide, except for apparently that one closet.
Except for a closet.
But regardless, you aren't in it.
No.
I'm tending to my night garden.
What does that mean?
Is that some kind of weird sex euphemism, Sully?
It's not that Hillop's acting super weird.
What's going on?
What's your passive perception, Glimp?
Sorry.
Before?
Passive perception is 11.
You definitely see the pool of blood on the far side of the room.
Okay.
He's acting weird because he came in here as I was doing
my gross sex thing like I do.
Yeah.
It's super gross.
It's like one foot higher than the other.
So like stance?
Whoa.
Some very advanced sex moves.
Then there were spoons involved.
You guys, why is there blood on the floor?
What's going on?
I did not do that.
I don't think she said that you did.
Wow.
You sound really suspicious right now, Hillop.
I am not suspicious.
You are suspicious.
I found you with a friend.
I'm going to pull out my war pick because Hillop's acting
like a total weird beard.
Not in his normal charming way.
I'm just going to, okay, is this the plan?
This is not the plan.
Is this your blood?
Did he do something to you?
What is going on?
No, it's just part of my weird sex thing.
Sally, what do we do?
Blood is part of your weird sex thing?
Well, you know, it's a cultural thing.
It's a half thing thing.
I don't need to explain my extracurricular activities to you.
I mean, you do if someone else's blood is involved.
What's not?
A non-consenting blood donor.
It's not a person's.
Glim, you hear behind you the sound of scraping metal
on the floor and you turn just in time to see a shovel
zip by your face as Hillop swings down a shovel at your head.
Hillop, what the heck?
Oh, wow.
These shovels really get out of control sometimes.
Jesus Christ.
You need to put that shovel down right now.
You need to use it a little bit better than that.
Sally, what?
Okay, and he tries to swing at you again.
Roll for initiative.
Well, that wasn't a great roll.
Make a death saving throw there.
Wait, sorry, 20.
Oh, I rolled a one.
I didn't roll a one.
I rolled a two and I have a minus one, so one.
That was a 10, so is that a fail?
No, it's a pass.
10 or higher.
Okay.
Ken is up first.
Listen, I'm really sorry.
I did want to have to do this and
oh, I left my daggers inside Moot's body.
We would say that you probably took them.
Really?
I have a feeling like the bickering and the dragging.
All right, well, that's on you then.
It's a character choice you made.
Yeah, I just feel like it probably would have happened.
Okay.
I mean, there's shovels.
You could go with a shovel.
Yeah.
This has been established.
Yeah, I pick up a shovel that's near me and
being very nonchAlydint about it, but I'm like,
listen, I really didn't want to have to do this because,
you know, we already got you and you could have made such a good one.
Got me what?
What are you talking about?
Do you enjoy your omelet?
And I swing at her with a shovel.
Roll the hit then.
Okay, 17.
Nope.
Shovel swings and glances off your armor or whatever you're wearing.
Just barely nicks you.
He swings at you with a shovel.
That's a 10.
Okay, now it's my turn.
Now it's your turn.
She dodges real good.
I'm going to try and hit Hillup.
I mean, I'm going to try and not.
I'm not trying to.
Non-lethal.
Exactly.
So that's a 22.
And you're going, sorry, you're going for who you think of as Hillup.
Hillup.
I'm less attached to him.
22 definitely hits.
So that's 13 damage.
Explain to me what it looks like when you
not kill because you were going for non-lethal,
but knock unconscious.
Well, I mean, I guess I must hit him hard with the non-pointy end,
with the flat end of the war pick,
not the flat end of the head rather than the pick-pointy,
super dangerous part of the pick.
So yeah, it hits him, I'm going to say in the side of the head,
and you just see the slow motion,
his face just mushes and spit flies out and a little bit of blood,
and he falls to the ground and say,
oh, Moot's got to roll a death saving throw.
Okay.
That is a two.
So that's one failure.
With all the commotion going on,
Sully and Hillup kind of stir.
So you're not really all there,
but you kind of look around.
You see Moot bleeding out on the floor in front of you.
You see Hillup across from you,
bound and gagged, and you're in this darker room,
and you hear commotion outside of the door that you can see.
Let's say that's your turn for this one with Sully,
and then it's back to Ken.
All right.
Well, Ken is going to swing again with that shovel.
Oh, that's only a 13.
Listen, you would have been a really good one.
One what?
What are you talking about?
Well, you're so big.
I guess it's just me.
Yeah, he rolled it.
He succeeded on a saving throw.
So that is only plus seven, 13.
No, 16.
If it means it beats.
Yep.
Okay.
12 damage.
You've gone done and died me.
Or at least I'm unconscious to you.
I wasn't trying to kill you.
I still think you're my friend.
So you two get, again, a swift hit that just takes the wind right out of you,
and you fall to the ground unconscious.
Ken.
I guess I'll look around.
I mean, again, we're in a very small space.
Do I see the door?
You probably see a bloody, dragged trail.
Definitely there is a bloody, dragged trail that goes into this side closet,
but you can presume is a closet.
Okay.
Well, I'm going to go open that.
You see Moot bleeding out inside,
and another Sully and Hilla found and gagged on the ground.
Oh, my God.
You guys, what's going on?
And I start untying them like,
I thought you were just outside and you were evil and you were trying to kill me.
Yeah, it's probably best that you didn't un-gag him.
Oh, my God.
I also would like to
Can you fix him?
Also, where is that handsome bastard?
I'm going to punch his beautiful face in.
They're both unconscious, I think,
but I hope someone can explain what's going on.
But I just put both my hands on Moot,
and he regains five hit points.
So you are back up to five there.
Moot, stable.
You see he's got two daggers cuts.
Well, two daggers, actually.
You probably pull the daggers from him before you do that, I would assume.
I do.
Yeah, that does.
I'm not a doctor, but that does seem like a better solution.
And then you see the wounds pull closed with a glowing light coming from your hands
and sealing up the wounds and stopping the flow of blood.
And Moot, you're back awake.
Groggy, but awake.
Sully, why?
Why what?
It wasn't.
I didn't do that to you.
It wasn't Sully.
There's an evil Sully and then an evil Hillop,
and they said they got me too,
but I got them and they're unconscious.
So what's going on, you guys?
Those are lumps.
Oh, oh.
Yeah, that's Ken and Barry.
They put more mushrooms in the omelet.
What?
Yeah, they got a whole grow up there.
I think they're going to try to get everyone to be like clone, like lump growers,
which isn't a job I wanted.
So when's that going to happen?
How long did it take?
I ate that omelet.
Am I going to turn into a lump or my lumps going to come out of my whatever thing happens?
I don't know.
It's probably going to be your butt, though, considering that dream that you had.
Oh, no.
Is that?
No, I don't know.
But I bet, though, if we can figure out what it is,
we can probably tie you down and cut it out before it becomes a fully formed thing.
Because remind me, you had an injury you didn't understand
and then it turned into a lump and then the lump came off your body.
Yeah, but I didn't want that lump to come off my body.
And you won't either.
You're going to love it.
Just feel like someone really knows you, you know, like inside.
You know what?
Maybe we could talk about this later.
What are we going to do with handsome and stupid over there?
Quite stupid.
I'll take Hillops.
Oh, thank you, good friend.
That was a dusty rag they used.
Dry mouth.
How long have you guys been here?
I've been here for a couple of few days.
Shit, really?
Yeah.
Jesus Christ.
Well, I don't know.
The last thing I remember is,
yeah, I remember going and checking on a suspicious figure when you guys were all sleeping.
So just last night?
Yeah.
Feels like I've been in this closet forever, though.
Well, let's go see what's up with those guys.
Are they dead now that I know they're bad guys?
Can their unconsciousness fade into death?
Well, I think we should probably see if they fed these mushrooms to anybody else.
Oh, I mean, I don't know.
Hillop, how long have you been in here?
It's like two or three days.
Oh, days.
Yeah, I've been locked up.
They keep coming in and kabonking me on my head, on my head noggin.
Mo, when you went to the library, they just went for a walk.
Remember when I got stopped by all those people about the Zumba classes?
Yeah, they disappeared on their own for a bit before they came back to the library.
But I mean, the only food I saw either one of them prepare was the omelet.
I mean, the baguette was still in its unsullied form.
So I think that's the only thing that you ate.
Unless they were feeding people down in the docks.
Unless they were putting it in the water supply.
Oh my god, Sully.
Why, I don't know.
I mean, I don't know that the water supply would be at the docks.
Is it a salt?
It's salt water.
I just don't know what Hillop's been doing or Barry's been doing these last few days is all.
You're right.
He's not been accounted for this entire time.
What you funky bunch want to do with them?
Do we kill them?
They seem like real people.
That seems like bad news bears.
It's like killing your own child.
It's like killing yourself.
Somebody else do it.
I don't want to do it.
Do we take them to the police?
Try to explain this situation?
Do we feed them mushrooms and then see what the clone of a clone looks like?
I don't think we should be doing experiments on them.
I think we need to destroy the mushrooms.
Can we agree we should destroy the mushrooms?
Yes, let's get rid of the mushrooms.
Okay, let's burn the night garden.
That's what I'm going to call my vagina from now on.
Oh, Jesus.
That's what it sounds like.
I'm ending my night garden.
Okay, yeah, I'm going to say you can absolutely burn the night garden.
Permission granted.
Great, we're going to burn the night garden.
Permission to never say night garden again.
We burned it.
It's gone forever.
Tough cookies.
You hear both of them, Ken and Barry, begin to groan.
What are you, like your mushroom people or something?
That's offensive.
I'm a real person.
We are the better versions of these two.
Well.
We are the twins.
We are the twins of them and now we have to kill them and then make more of us.
No, we're not going to let you kill them.
He begins to move for the shovel.
Okay, well then I'm going to hit him again.
This is 16.
16, we'll still do it.
That is nine damage.
I'm assuming this isn't non-lethal at this point.
This is no longer non-lethal.
I'm not that concerned about preserving the life of the weird mushroom clone of people.
Tell me how you kill Barry and then roll me a wisdom saving throw after you describe.
Okay, I think again, I'll just hit him with the, he's already pretty like,
so I, you know, I don't want it to be gross.
I'm just going to hit him with the flat side again.
But it's, I mean, these are two sustained temple injuries.
This is not great.
Yeah.
And then wisdom saving throw.
Hey, that is a 17.
You seem fine with murdering this person who looks like a good friend of yours.
Okay.
It's just a walk in the park.
She can separate good and evil, black and white.
It's true.
So now the only remaining baddie is Ken.
Yeah, hold on a second.
Hold on a second.
Wait, just wait, just hold on a second.
Just hold on, just wait.
Okay.
All right, you're very reasonable.
Do you have some sort of explanation or something to say?
Yes.
I am not a bad person.
It is in my nature to help propagate my species and the survival of my species.
And we are an important part of the ecosystem.
Did you stab my good friend here as a moot?
Two times.
Well, once, but simultaneously twice.
That does not sound like good behavior for a friend to friend
to not be punched in the face until he's dead.
Yeah, but if you look at it from my perspective,
he was going to stop my people from living, a whole race of people.
So wouldn't you protect your family too?
Moot, you're up in initiative order.
I'm going to cast Magic Missile on this person who I thought was my friend.
Okay.
And that is, well, it's guaranteed hit.
I summon three darts of glowing magical force,
and I'm going to throw all three of them to hit simultaneously.
This is going to be messy.
First one's a three, second one's a two, so that's five.
And a four is nine damage.
Three magical bolts zip out in mid-sentence, as Ken is describing,
you know, the attempted murder on Moot.
And they strike him square in the chest and explode,
and gray and green guts shoot out and spill all over the floor
as he melts into the mausoleum floor.
Make a wisdom saving throw for me.
Gross.
That is, I really need to learn what the bonuses are on this character.
That's a 15.
You also seem fine with this murder.
Your, your, your separation is great.
Well, I mean, this person did stab me.
It's true.
True, true.
Just tried to, just tried to kill him.
In fact, almost did.
Oh my God, you guys.
Sorry you had to see that, Sully.
Yeah, you make a saving throw.
He was sexy.
Yeah, you're fine.
But there can only be one.
Guys, I don't know how, how fast this is going to happen.
I feel like it might be, not for a while,
but maybe I would like to be somewhere where I can't hurt anybody,
where I get my lump and then it turns into the thing.
And maybe can we just like go back to the temple for a few days
until we like, I flush this out of my system.
Well, yeah, and maybe we'll talk to that priestess lady
because she might know about, let's take a,
okay, let's first, let's take a mushroom sample.
And she burned them already.
Oh, we've already burned the night garden.
Okay.
Well, we can describe a mushroom to her
and then maybe she can, she knows about them
or we can find a book about them.
And then maybe there's some sort of like potion or, you know, substance.
Yeah.
And if not, worst case, we cut it out of you.
I mean, you won't even really have to cut it out.
It just will form and then it will escape
and then you can kill it.
Well, I was kind of hoping maybe we could catch it before it can run.
I mean, it's just a little lump and we'll be in a locked room, but okay, sure.
Yeah, I feel like if we're all ready for it.
Well, I'm just, listen, I just spent the better part of a day
locked in a closet next to.
Yeah, after seeing what those lumps can do, cautious is good.
All right, let's get you back to a priestess because.
Yeah, now I got it.
Caleb, how do you feel about teaching Zumba?
I'm not very good at the Zumbas.
Okay, well.
I mean, you are you talking about just like cover while you do the thing?
Because I could I could fill in for a couple of days
while you get your your business taken care of.
Yeah, why don't you try and run the class tomorrow?
I get your business taken care of.
It's like she's getting like a Brazilian done or something.
I'll be tending my night guard.
You guys exit the mausoleum and all the gore inside.
You just got to leave it there.
Intro music was by Kavin MacLeod of Incompetech.Filmmusic.io.
Other music and sound effects can be found at EpidemicSound.com.
Thank you to our supporting producers, Gabriel Lynch, Ryan Cushman,
Joshua Dixon, Devin Michaels, Cat Waterflame, and Jacob Madden.
Find out more at Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
You tap them on the shoulder and it's a wait for it.
It's an animatronic peach, which is a weird.
This library is a crazy.
This is a terrible NPC generator that I've picked here.
It is.
I just gave you animatronic peach.
You don't want to use that, right?
I open the door and inside you see Sully and Hillop bound and gagged and unconscious.
Okay, not unconscious.
Sorry, I missed the unconscious.
Let's cut that.
He makes a lot of noises when he sleeps.
How many times did you have to roll to finally admit defeat?
That he failed and missed it.
I rolled for several different things.
He was just like.
They were all bad.
That's why you heard it, saw it, and dodged it.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a dumb dragons production.